


Looking In

by JayceCarter



Category: Horizon: Zero Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Just Admit You Like Her, Not Canon Compliant, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 03:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15016118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayceCarter/pseuds/JayceCarter
Summary: When Aloy works up the courage to show Erend how she feels, it doesn't go the way she hopes, and she worries she'll never outgrow being an outcast.





	Looking In

 

Feeling left out was something Aloy knew well, like an ache that never quite went away. No matter where she went, what she did, she always expected someone to kick her out. Her years as an outcast had left her well acquainted with loneliness and exemption.

Still, she refused to let it turn her into a coward. She wouldn’t let a lifetime of people disappointing her keep her from something she wanted.

Erend stood, wavering slightly on his feet. He didn’t drink as he had before, rarely got to the drunken point she’d found him at when she’d arrived in Meridian that first day. It wasn’t to say he didn’t drink, that he didn’t overindulge from time to time. All Oseram took their downtime seriously.

That night was one such night, one full of fun rather than sorrow. They’d gone to the local bar, drank together though she’d limited hers more than he had. They’d laughed, listened to music, recalled stories.

She’d felt accepted for once, wanted, welcomed. She felt that way in his company in a way she did nowhere else. 

Now, back at his place where she slept when in the city when she didn't want to go to Olin's, he rustled around a cabinet for water for them. The best way to avoid hangovers is to drink water, he’d say, then push more on her to drink.

He trusted her to take care of herself, but still worried. He didn’t try to hold her back, didn’t try to change her, just seemed grateful for whatever time she’d give him.

Erend turned, his armor already left by the door, water in his hands, a crooked smile on his lips surrounded by alcohol reddened cheeks.

Aloy took the plunge. She moved closer, wrapped her fingers in the scarf around his neck, and pressed her lips to his. The beer from the night clung to his breath, and she swallowed it down when he released a surprised gasp.

Her chest bumped his as she moved her lips against his, as she tried to get closer, to capture some of the warmth she knew he had, that sense of being with someone, of having something. She craved that connection.

His hands didn’t move, held out to the side with the waters. Tension ran through him, his body held tight as if she’d attacked him.

She waited for him to drop to water, to gather her closer, to give her a taste of what she knew this could be, a taste of what she didn’t know anything about yet.

Only, that didn’t happen.

He pulled away, twisting his face away from hers. “Damn,” he whispered, taking a step back. He turned, setting the water on the shelf. “Look, Aloy-”

“-You don’t want me?”

“You always are right to the point, aren’t you? It’s not like that.”

“Then why push me away?”

“We just-” He rubbed his fingers against his closed eyes, his back still to her. “It’s not the right time. Not like this, not-”

The words poured from his lips like useless excuses. They reminded her of when she'd heard Rost explain again and again about how she had to follow the rules of the Nora, how it wasn't fair but was the law. Again, she was on the edge of the village, outside a gate they wouldn’t open. Again, she was that child who wanted nothing more than acceptance but found only scorn.

She turned and bolted from the place. Another moment of him not looking at her, of him coming up with the reasons why he rejected her and she might shatter. After winning the proving, she’d thought for a moment she’d find acceptance, but nothing had changed, had it?

She was still the motherless whelp, the outcast, the thing no one wanted.

Heavy steps followed her to the doorway, Erend’s deep voice calling her name. Still, he couldn’t catch her when he was at his best, and he’d drank far too much to be near that. He stumbled at the doorway, his voice following her as she fled.

Running wasn’t something she did much of, but she also never fought a battle she knew she’d lose.

 

#

 

It took a week for Aloy to return. She kept a low profile, avoided area’s Erend might be. She’d spend the days away hunting, throwing herself into what she was good at, trying to build her defenses.

She wasn’t foolish enough to think she could avoid him forever. She just needed to erase the way he’d pulled away from her, needed to push that from her mind.

Maybe he wouldn’t remember the fool she’d made of herself. He’d drank enough, blacked out enough times before, perhaps he’d woken the next day with no memory. If only she could find herself so lucky.

She arrived with the sun dipping low behind the mountains, the campfires sparking up as the light faded away. Perhaps Erend had already crawled into a tankard and wouldn’t notice her.

She went to Olin’s place. She spent nights there when not at Erend’s, a fact Avad knew but didn’t seem to mind. Perhaps he was so thankful she spent any time in Meridian, he cared little where it was.

Aloy removed the outer pieces of her armor, draping them over the bust for safe keeping. She had to sleep in them when outside the settlements, so she took the chance to strip out of them when safe.

Still, relaxation never came. Hours later, she laid on the roof beneath the stars, hands folded over her stomach, hair fanned out beneath her.

The world seemed so much larger when she watched the stars. Sometimes, the rest of the time, it grew tiny. It shrunk around her until she couldn't breathe. Everyone knew her, everyone wanted something from her, everyone depended on her. Here? Here she was just another tiny speck beneath those lights.

“You know, I’m not really built for climbing. More a brute force sort of man.”

Aloy didn’t turn her head at Erend’s voice. Foolish to think he wouldn’t know she was in town. He always seemed to know, like he cared.

But he didn’t, did he?

He sat then laid flat beside her. His arm pressed against hers, and damn her for wanting to lean into the inadvertent touch. “So, we aren’t talking?”

“What did you want?”

He sighed, a deep sound that caused his arm to press more against hers. “I guess that answers if you’re mad at me. Of course, with the way you ran, even I could have figured that out.”

“How did you know I was even here?”

“You’re big news. There’s always talk when you get to Meridian, and when you didn’t find me, I was able to guess where you were.”

Silence stretched between them, and Aloy wanted to run again. She wanted to go back to when things were easy, when Erend had been the stable thing in an unstable world. There was no going back, though. She’d messed it up, and now she knew the truth.

“About last time-”

Aloy sat up, bending her knees and setting her arms on them. “-Dont. It doesn’t matter.”

“If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t be avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you. I’m just busy.”

He groaned as he sat up. Erend was right about brute strength. He was a force to be reckoned with when his mace was in hand, but agility and stamina weren’t skills of his. “Come on, Aloy. Talk to me already.”

She rested her chin on her arm. “What is there to talk about? You turned me down. You aren’t interested in me. Understood.”

A pause, the silence crawling along her skin until she was afraid she couldn’t breathe.

“That’s not what happened.”

“I may not have experience, but I think I can tell when a man rejects me.” Aloy shifted to stand, to leave. The conversation was too difficult, too tense.

Erend’s hand closed around her arm, pulling her back beside him. “Hold up there. We need to finish this because you clearly don’t understand a few things. You don’t run, Aloy, so don’t run right now.”

She twisted to face him, moving to her knees so she didn’t have to look up to his face. “So explain it! Because I tried to kiss you, and you turned me away.”

His thumb rubbed against her arm which he hadn’t released yet. Afraid she’d bolt if he let go? “It’s not that I’m not interested. Come on, you’ve got to know how I feel about you. I’m not one for subtlety.”

“I thought I knew, but then you don’t kiss me.”

“It doesn’t take much brains to know you don’t have a lot of experience. Hell, maybe any. Kissing a drunk who reeks of beer wasn’t right. You deserve a lot more than that.”

Aloy shoved his chest, her hands pressing against the metal of his armor. “Do you know how many times in my life I’ve been on the outside looking in? How many times I’ve been locked out and pushed away? I thought you were different. I thought I finally had somewhere I wasn’t going to be an outcast from.” She swallowed to keep the tears down.

Crying was useless. It didn’t get her anything, didn’t help.

Erend placed his other hand on her cheek, the calluses rough against her cheek. “I didn’t mean to do that. It’s just, you’re more than what was in my head right then. You should have more than that. I guess you surprised me. I figured, maybe, if I ever did get a shot with you, it’d be slow. Maybe I'd romance you, something. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

“Supposed to made me an outcast. Supposed to has ruined my life. I don’t care what is supposed to happen. I don’t care about what tradition says.”

“People will talk-”

“-So let them talk. It’s all they do anyway. If you don’t want me, that’s fine. If you’re turning me down because you think you know what’s best for me, more than I do, then just stop. You’re right, I don’t have any experience, but I know what I want, and I’ve never been shy about going after it.”

His thumb rubbed along her cheekbone, a reverence in his eyes. It reminded her of her own face when she’d first touched an overridden charger, a sense of awe. That he’d look at her that way confused her.

“I’ve wanted you since that first day, Aloy. Nothing’s changed that, I doubt anything ever will. Every day I get to see you, every time I get to take just a little bit of your time, I turn back into that blubbering fool I was that first day.” His throat bobbed, the moonlight catching on some sweat on his brow. “So, I mean, if you’re sure, and if you still wanted that kiss from-”

Aloy didn’t wait for anymore. She leaned in and offered the same kiss from before, all her hesitancy wiped away. She kissed him the way she did anything: with her whole heart. She didn’t hesitate when hunting, when climbing, when fighting, and she wouldn’t do it there.

She slid over him, her knee pressing into the roof beside his hip as she moved into his lap. Her hands clutched his shoulders, thankful his armor only covered his chest.

This time he returned her advances. The hand on her cheek moved beneath her hair to the nape of her neck, and the one on her arm slid along her lower back. His lips met hers with the same passion, the same need. It told her all the things she’d feared over the past week were wrong. He did care about her, he had wanted her, he wasn’t shoving her away.

She pulled back after a moment, her head clouded and her breath quick.

“Was that okay?”

“Yes. Yes, it was perfect.” She lifted her head to look at him, to really see him.

He'd been her first real exposure to the outside world, to the fact she could have a life beyond the Nora, beyond the people who had rejected her all her life. He was rash, immature, drank too much, but he was there, always. He’d never turned her away, never made her feel like she wasn’t good enough, like she needed to struggle just to be accepted by him.

“So, we’re really doing this, then?”

He huffed out a soft laugh, his fingers stroking absently at her lower back. “Yeah. I know I don’t deserve it, but damn if I’d let a gift I didn’t deserve get away. Any time you’ve got, I want.” He pulled her in for another kiss.

And she knew every free minute she had, she wanted to give to him.

  
  



End file.
